I drove for the first time in almost 4 months today.
I mean, I’ve been a passenger in a car, but I haven’t actually driven myself anywhere since mid-March. I had to actively look for my wallet in my bedroom closet in order to have my driver’s license on me. It was tucked away with my purse on a high closet shelf where other infrequently used items are stored.
Today I got it out and told my daughter I was taking her for a ride. And that’s what we did.
I cranked up the music in my car and I drove. We went about 20 minutes away from home to my old college, circled the campus, and then drove the 20 minutes back home. All while my bored child fought off a nap in the backseat. It wasn’t much, but YES IT WAS.
I needed that.
I have been struggling lately. Really struggling. The heaviness of this COVID crisis and the social isolation has taken a toll on my heart. I have felt deep sadness – maybe you can even call it grief.
I have been essentially grieving. Grieving for a world that in a matter of months has turned upside down. Grieving for the missed opportunities for my kids. Grieving for the life I used to have.
I have watched this dumpster fire of a year burn further out of control and have felt powerless to stop it. So often nothing feels in my control any longer and that’s a scary feeling. And, frankly, it sucks.
I didn’t think of this before our drive, but when I got behind the wheel of my car today, I was essentially giving myself a little control back. Yes, that might sound silly. I get it. But for almost an hour I had control of where I went, how fast I got there, and what I listened to along the way.
No, it wasn’t much, but it was enough for today.
Tomorrow is a new day, friends. Let’s do this together. Sending love.